relapse & alone

i'm trying to keep myself together.

i just found out that there are more illnesses and deaths attached to my relationships. there are more people being torn down wound per wound by this pandemic. i can't feel my arms. my body feels weighed down, like how it felt the first time this burden was put upon our shoulders. i was trying to find this song i listened to on repeat last year when i found out that Nanay was positive, up to the time she left. but when i found it, i felt myself relapsing from the grief of last year.

i need someone to talk to. but of course, life does not stop when your grief begins.

it's been a year. but the wound is reopening.

why does this have to happen to innocent lives?

why do we have to breakdown for a breakthrough?

why do we need to understand that this plan is for us to grow better?

why do we have to lose to be able to gain something from what we've come to know?

why do we have to ask all these questions and not just move on?

why do we have to be human?

why do we have to feel and question?

why do we have to believe that it's all part of a plan?

why, even after all the pleading, can't it be enough?

why do we not have any say in His plan?

i know i've been through this already last year but... why?

why, even at the expense of already knowing and understanding what's all of this for, do i still have to conquer and live through it everyday? why do we have to carry burden in our hearts? why do we have to be tainted? why do we have to love so hard only to take us back to the idea that none of this is ours to own, plead for, and keep anyway?

-e.c.