after midnight - 12:39am

 i just want to remind to myself that there really will be one person that won't give up on you no matter what. you're even luckier when you have more than one person making sure you're okay.

i've learned this week that relationships do matter. i tried so hard in my past to avoid these attachments. but us as humans, we can't really avoid connecting to one another. back in junior high and senior high, i tried so hard not to get too involved with people. i pushed people away. maybe i was melodramatic. maybe i thought it was "cool". maybe it was my way of coping because i knew that i would leave them soon. but i realized that i can't just run away from intimate relationships, from friendships, from life.

i have to start living if i want to stay in this world.
that means, i need to acknowledge that i really do need relationships. i just need to choose which ones are worth it. and at this day and age, it's not that hard.

i used to have this fear in my head that if i didn't leave first, i would be the one left behind. i think i owe that trauma to my first ever bestfriend back in sixth grade until first year high school. we grew distant from each other. she left me. we outgrew each other. i took it hard because i honestly had nobody else. from then on, i tried my best to love people the best way i can without... well, without being permanently attached. i didn't want to see anyone drift away from me anymore. so much so, i became the one to drift.

i refused to go to parties, events, outings. they stopped inviting me.
at 21, i've learned to be comfortable with not being included. even though it took a toll on me so bad the first few years. i kept on questioning how well i did as a friend. or maybe i wasn't just "friends enough" with these people.

i took it until college to sink in that i wouldn't have a solid group.

somehow, i had a solid group during senior high... for a while. not until the group fell fragments a few times over. they still hang out. just not as much with me as they would like to. and i know they wanted to. just that at the time, i knew for myself that i was living a different world as well.

but then, the pandemic happened midway through college.

i don't take to heart what other people say that you get to know who your real friends are when you see who checks up on you during this hard time. i don't like that thought. i can barely keep up with checking on myself. i can't be a good friend but a bad person to myself. so i understand those friends with whom i've lost touch, even in the middle of the pandemic. or especially in the middle of the pandemic.

i know i still have the ones for keeps.
and i know who are the ones i can chat in a heartbeat.
the ones that would be there as much as they can fit possible.
because, honestly, i understand that it's a busy messed up world now.
so to have those kinds of people, the ones that probably reply an hour after or thirty minutes after they've woken up, or maybe even those that pause a movie or series for you, it's truly a blessing.

for the ones who are battling out much worst than i am, i let them take their time. i know i'll be able to catch up with them some day. just not today. probably not next week either. but we'll have our time. when the world gets much better and the wounds hurt a little less. we'll get to round up ourselves and tell each other we're doing great.

months from now, i'd like to see what happens.

i'm probably too optimistic but i can see things getting better. if the pandemic were in a form of anything, i would see it as fog. and in a few months from now, sooner or later, that fog will be lifted. the streets will clear up. people won't wear a caution sign on their foreheads, let alone their mouths. hugs are for free again. and we won't have to be so terrified anymore.

a girl can dream, can she?

-e.c.