letter no. 1

 hey you.

i don't know how you did it but you did.

you made me feel safe. you made me feel secure.

you let me feel my feelings, you heard my story.

could it be that there is no wrong timing? you were there, the first to answer, at the time i needed someone. i was truly hoping you'd answer but i didn't expect you to be almost the only one. it was surreal. i was already sobbing when the other two most trusted people i chatted replied. i felt vulnerable but i also felt strong. i knew what i felt. i knew what i needed to do to be able to process those feelings. and i'm so thankful that you're the one i got to call.

welcome to my fragile side.
you've seen the part of my heart i try so hard to protect.
you let me in your part of the story too.
but i don't think i handled listening well... did i?
i hardly remembered.

i just can't seem to wrap my head around someone like you. how can someone like you exist? you're one of the purest human beings i've ever met. i don't know what God was thinking when He made you but somehow, i'm twisted into that plan.

you make me laugh. and not in an annoying way.
okay, maybe a little bit annoying when i first called up. because you're trying to lighten up a heavy load. which, from my perspective, kind of made sense. you didn't want it to be awkward so you're trying to make me feel a little light. you didn't know what was going on so you just tried to ease your way in.

i get it.

but when it was the time to listen, you did.
you had a million thoughts a minute running through your own brain but you decided to listen to mine too. listening is a love language. even more if that person understands and empathizes with you. not just the listening part, but what comes after.

...thank you for planning for me.
you really don't have to, but i can't seem to say no to you.
whatever does happen, i can assure you, i've never had anyone handle me in certain situations like you do. it's truly different. good different. it's refreshing to finally talk to a man, for a change.

i just wish you're not all talk.
or that it's not just only in the beginning.

i know, i know. trust issues. what can you do?

my heart is fragile. i wear my heart on my sleeve. i lay my heart out on the line. and other corny lines about taking risks despite a fragile heart.

but you see, here's the thing. i'm not nervous.
i don't get butterflies like i used to. i'm not afraid of what you might do.
i'm not as afraid as i used to be when i find out about something as real as this.
when i said you're the first person to make me feel home, i really do mean it.

i'm excited for a life with you in it.

i don't have to squeeze you in. and i love that you don't force yourself into plans i've made for myself before you came. you respect what i have alone. you respect what i want in being alone. and i love that.

i hope you can understand much, much more than that too.

-e.c.