the anonymous one

i watched the movie adaptation of "Dear Evan Hansen" yesterday.

i feel a bit drained. i think i've been triggered of my languish.

there's this one song.

this one song that i'm still listening to while i'm typing this.

it's alana's song entitled, "The Anonymous Ones".

i spent almost half of the film sobbing. especially during alana's part in singing this song. i can relate to being that anonymous one, hiding behind all my achievements, because i'm trying to avoid the question, "without it, am i worth anything at all?"

i feel like if i won't succeed, i won't be of much worth to anyone else. i know it's absurd to think because i know i'm still worth something regardless of the gold or plaques i receive. but my brain sometimes tricks itself into thinking that i'm just as good as how many titles i get to have attached with my name. which is probably why i never stop doing things that they might catch a trail of when i die.

i keep on writing, keep on filming, keep on taking photos, editing quotes, and all these other things, so that i would leave something behind. also maybe because these are the only things that make up who i am at present. am i even worth anything if i stop writing? if i stop filming? if i stop taking pictures? if i stop dreaming?

i know i shouldn't let my mind get played by the thoughts that run deep within the depths of the darkness after the long days gone. but some things just get triggered. and the only way to move past it is to get through it. i need to feel what i need to feel. in that way, i can feel it too much that i learn to detach myself from the feeling i know.

maybe this is also just my thoughts running while i still can't go outside.

being confined in a tight space really does make you spend more time inside your head. since there's no other place to go. you pace back and forth from one thought to another, thinking maybe, just maybe, there can be a way out.

maybe if i keep on circling inside my mind, they would have to let me out.

who knows.

-e.c.