the spiraling & my attempt to decipher it

 sometimes, i wish i knew where i was headed.

i have to be honest on that about myself because if not, i'll spend my whole life in a lie. thinking i am actually okay with going with the flow. the future is terrifying, i have to admit. so are the cards i've been dealt with to conquer mine.

within a year, i've been passed on new dreams. i've let go of things way out of my control. feels like a restart button that i accidentally pressed. i didn't mean to. but there's no undo of a restart button... is there?

i spiraled last night.

just right after i had a burst of my trauma on the one person that i thought i can actually let in my life again. i feel so sorry they had to carry that weight. but i have to say, they handled it well. even i didn't know how to respond after. i just felt thankful that it didn't move all the way through.

sometimes, we just really need that breakdown to get to a breakthrough.

but where's my breakthrough?

terrifying, isn't it? to let yourself feel broken yet not knowing at what cost? will the return of this brokenness be worth while? i mean, i of all people would know that the return weighs a lot more than the cost. God has given me a large amount of return.

but wouldn't it be nice if i were just given a day for a standstill.

just give me the quiet. not necessarily peace.

just give me a moment i can pause.

if only life worked with a remote control.

i don't need to rewind anything.

i just want to pause. a lot.

some days, things are moving too fast. no, actually, let me rephrase that.

most days, things are moving too fast. i feel so sorry for the people that don't know what they're losing from the time they're spending on now. or they've yet to know. i hate to think that wake up calls might not lead us to the reason it's awoken us at all.

if anything, maybe "wake up calls" are just normal calls we get everyday but someone intensified its stake for us to notice. why am i talking about calls again?

anyway...

i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one that's ever gotten to a point that they just want to off themselves from the world. it's a pretty common theme. strangely familiar. often too vivid. i don't want to spiral completely to that person anymore. i don't want to just stop everything just because i want a pause button for my life. i don't want to spend a minute, an hour, a day, or even a week trying to struggle myself through my own mind preventing me from being okay.

i have such amazing support for that.

yet, why am i so hesitant to reach out for help?

why can't i just tell someone i need help?

i know it's valid. i know it's not crazy. but can we truly shoulder the cost of what that meant for me and my needs? i think, it's enough for me to just write about it now. let me just write about things i cannot understand.

let me just write about how i feel like i blackout for most days because it's my body's way of telling me i should shut down my world for a while. let me write about how psychotic thrillers and mystery series and movies get me riled up these days, but i'm also terrified that i might be one (a psycho? a sociopath?) because why else would i enjoy the thrill of it all? let me just write about how difficult it is to try and explain this. or if i need to explain anything at all. or to explain whatever this is and what it meant for me.

can't my thoughts just go away?

can't i just be myself for a day without having to think what other people might say?

can't i just run away? who am i kidding... nobody can run away from their own thoughts.

it also pains me to think that other people have it worse.

also, maybe i do know where i'm headed.

 forward.

-e.c.