trolley of traumas, the retired romantic, and hopefully, a way out

i sincerely don't want to outburst from this situation.

even though i technically already did last night.

i am so sorry you have to deal with someone as complicated to love as me.

i already warned you from the beginning. i didn't think you'd actually try and take the challenge to get to know me. well, this is me. using defense mechanisms. leading myself to believe that i can take on the world alone (and why wouldn't i? i'm amazing and i've been doing fine without anyone taking the lead for me). this type of person that continuously convinces herself that she's better off with platonic relationships instead of intimacies and romance.

and yet... still craves and aches to be loved properly without its complications. how can i be loved that way when i have so many reservations taken with me? how can i be loved that way when i still project my trauma to other people? i'm too toxic to be in a committed relationship. i'm easy to love as a friend. i'm difficult to get through as a lifetime partner. a lifetime scares me. everyday terrifies me. i'm terrified that i'll grow more attached than i was an hour ago. clingier than i was a minute ago. crawling back to the person i tried so hard to change from over a year ago.

what happened to me?

why am i overthinking this so much?

love is the reason i am so positive about life yet love also changed me into thinking i can stand on my own. love treated me gently while tearing me apart. love asked consent but gaslighted my decision. love is just... there. waiting by the door. patiently standing by until i finally let them in.

they probably have a handful of baggage as well. maybe even a trolley of traumas. the thing they wheel around wherever they go but try not to let it draw attention to other people walking by; only to find out that everyone is wheeling something somewhere. carrying it behind their backs. hanging it on their shoulders. clutching the handle on their hand. doesn't matter if it's airport luggage exceeding 8kg from the baggage check-in or if it's a hand-carry bag to throw on top of the airplane cabin. either which are just as heavy as the next. it's all on how you carry it, how you wheel it, how you blend in with your baggage. the trolley of traumas brought around the world, thinking we can scatter them. thinking we can leave them behind and come back with empty baggage.

of course, when we travel, we don't just drop our load and go. if anything, the baggage gets even heavier. you buy another suitcase. you purchase a new bag fit for more than you can carry. and that's okay. maybe it is okay. to come back with a trolley of traumas, an excess baggage, a suitcase of heartbreaks, and if we're lucky, a hand-carry of new lessons learned.

i used to be a hopeless romantic through and through. i didn't have a baggage. i only had a wallet and a diary filled with dreams. filled with hope. filled with plans i've yet to cross out. now, i don't think i'll ever take back that part of me that ever became that way. being so hopelessly in love is stupid. there's so much more to love now than just loving without reasons. when you love, it's always attached to idea and principle that you have to be in a relationship with that person. but what if i don't want to? what's more worse though: what if i do?

the last person that ever "loved" me was a complete horror.

he was a blinding image of nice on surface but horrid and (i only just learned this word today) too much of a satyriasis when no one is watching. or maybe it was just because of hormones. teenagers... we'll never know.

the trauma that got me there became the reason i'm so skeptic now. perhaps, it's always the reason why i've been so skeptic all my life. i don't want these people thinking they can love me, suck every bit of honor and goodness i have, and leave me when it's time to go. or maybe i'm even more afraid of someone that would actually take care of me, honor me, respect what i want, and stay against all odds.

maybe i'm afraid of maturity.

or that maybe i still lack of it and suddenly i'm just jumping without being ready.

but to be fair, who is ever ready for these kinds of things?

i don't think anyone ever is.

but i just want to say: if loving you or the possibility of loving you might help me see what more i can change in myself, i'd be even more terrified to know that i didn't change at all. though i think i have. maybe i'm just trying not to change on the parts that are actually good... the parts that other people invalidated me of, but are actually some things about me worth keeping.

i do hope i get to jump someday.

no matter how heavy my luggage is.

-e.c.