warmth & wonder

so this is how it feels like to sit next to someone and actually being with them when you miss them. when you know they’re one call away. one chat away. one kilometer away. one seat away. no seats in between, even. there’s warm with our legs pressed against one another. there’s connection even as we are doing two different things.

i sometimes wonder if this is what relationships should actually be. when you sit in silence next to each other, with both your keyboards making tapping and clicking sounds. hovering mouses. sipping coffee. not really talking much but you know you’re together.

an invisible string connecting whatever thoughts your thinking and a static when either of you move.

come to think of it, why are we so accustomed to thinking that relationships should always be big and obvious experiences? why do we always assume that the only way to show someone you love them is to take trips with them and have well-planned dates? why can’t we just hang out like how we hang out with friends?

spontaneous. unassuming. no expectations of what comes next. only the pleasure of being with one another. the warmth and safety of being with someone who’s light and peace in your heart.

but then, i start to wonder with that warmth whenever he steps out the door to smoke.

i wish he didn’t have to.

should i tell him?

will it be too much of me to tell him to stop when we’re together?

that wouldn’t be him.

but what do i say when he’s already here yet he steps out every few minutes to get his daily breath?

should i start smoking too just so we could step out together? i don’t want to do that. maybe this is what i have to figure out if i like or if i don’t want to deal with?

when he comes back, the warmth starts again.

he grabs my thighs and caresses it like I’m his. and I am.

come to think of it, him stepping out and smoking isn’t that bad after all.