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warmth & wonder

so this is how it feels like to sit next to someone and actually being with them when you miss them. when you know they’re one call away. one chat away. one kilometer away. one seat away. no seats in between, even. there’s warm with our legs pressed against one another. there’s connection even as we are doing two different things. i sometimes wonder if this is what relationships should actually be. when you sit in silence next to each other, with both your keyboards making tapping and clicking sounds. hovering mouses. sipping coffee. not really talking much but you know you’re together. an invisible string connecting whatever thoughts your thinking and a static when either of you move. come to think of it, why are we so accustomed to thinking that relationships should always be big and obvious experiences? why do we always assume that the only way to show someone you love them is to take trips with them and have well-planned dates? why can’t we just hang out like how we hang out with f...
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the anonymous one

i watched the movie adaptation of "Dear Evan Hansen" yesterday. i feel a bit drained. i think i've been triggered of my languish. there's this one song. this one song that i'm still listening to while i'm typing this. it's alana's song entitled, "The Anonymous Ones". i spent almost half of the film sobbing. especially during alana's part in singing this song. i can relate to being that anonymous one, hiding behind all my achievements, because i'm trying to avoid the question, "without it, am i worth anything at all?" i feel like if i won't succeed, i won't be of much worth to anyone else. i know it's absurd to think because i know i'm still worth something regardless of the gold or plaques i receive. but my brain sometimes tricks itself into thinking that i'm just as good as how many titles i get to have attached with my name. which is probably why i never stop doing things that they might catch a trail o...
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the quiet

i've been a fan of the quiet for far too long. though honestly, i love it. it helps me think. it brings me back to serenity and times when my mind isn't in circles. the quiet gives me hope. there are a lot of days that i wished the quiet would go all day long. that no squeak or scream could interrupt. that the world would go on a silent streak. all we would hear are the wonders of nature around us. a silence so deafening that the peace of the birds would beg to be hummed. that the rage of the wind would be subtle knocks on our windows. that every breath a whistle blown from our nose. the swaying of the grass from a field just beyond the stream would patter dew on puddles. i love the quiet. somewhere, a minute walk away, the waves are crashing on a concrete wall. somewhere, an hour away, leaves are falling from a mango tree. somewhere, miles away, i'm hearing your footsteps. hearing the curl of your lips to a smirk. hearing the sound of your doorknob turning as you push the ...
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saddest, scariest thing ever

the scariest thing that has ever happened to me was for me to be situated near someone so close yet so dangerous for me. the saddest thing that has ever happened to me was for me to be so far from someone i could have liked to be my home. either way, life is not fair and the thick air of the night is capturing me in its arms. thoughts run steeply 24/7 non-stop. but for the first time in my life, i don't mind. i don't mind having to overthink. i don't mind being unable to follow through. i don't mind taking my time. i don't mind being fragile. the scariest thing about living just a barangay away from someone so dangerous for me is that he strikes when i'm the most anxious, fearful, and sad. the saddest thing about living a thousand miles away from someone i call home is that someday, some time soon, i might change my mind. decide to be somewhere. decide that home is not a person. home won't be with me. home is me. isn't that both sad and  scary? -e.c.
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some more thoughts on you

i don't always know what thoughts are rushing in your head. what i do know is that i'm glad i'm part of what you're thinking about. even if it's not all the time. i like that you have your plans set for your family. i like that you're not afraid to tell me that i'm included in those plans. i'm glad that you're not afraid to ask questions. i'm also astounded by the way you make conversation with me. the way you listen. and the way you accept or respect my thoughts. the way you have views and values on your own. i love how firm you are in your beliefs. i admire how you don't talk about things but you practice what you preach. i see how your actions speak louder than your words. i appreciate you for accepting my fangirling side. i am amazed at how in sync our minds are for most of the time. and if they're not, i'm glad it doesn't stop us from talking to each other. i feel so disappointed at myself for not knowing you earlier than i a...
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letter no. 1

 hey you. i don't know how you did it but you did. you made me feel safe. you made me feel secure. you let me feel my feelings, you heard my story. could it be that there is no wrong timing? you were there, the first to answer, at the time i needed someone. i was truly hoping you'd answer but i didn't expect you to be almost the only one. it was surreal. i was already sobbing when the other two most trusted people i chatted replied. i felt vulnerable but i also felt strong. i knew what i felt. i knew what i needed to do to be able to process those feelings. and i'm so thankful that you're the one i got to call. welcome to my fragile side. you've seen the part of my heart i try so hard to protect. you let me in your part of the story too. but i don't think i handled listening well... did i? i hardly remembered. i just can't seem to wrap my head around someone like you. how can someone like you exist? you're one of the purest human beings i've ever...
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after midnight - 12:39am

 i just want to remind to myself that there really will be one person that won't give up on you no matter what. you're even luckier when you have more than one person making sure you're okay. i've learned this week that relationships do matter. i tried so hard in my past to avoid these attachments. but us as humans, we can't really avoid connecting to one another. back in junior high and senior high, i tried so hard not to get too involved with people. i pushed people away. maybe i was melodramatic. maybe i thought it was "cool". maybe it was my way of coping because i knew that i would leave them soon. but i realized that i can't just run away from intimate relationships, from friendships, from life. i have to start living if i want to stay in this world. that means, i need to acknowledge that i really do need relationships. i just need to choose which ones are worth it. and at this day and age, it's not that hard. i used to have this fear in my h...
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