the prodigal writer by ec

i watched the movie adaptation of "Dear Evan Hansen" yesterday. i feel a bit drained. i think i've been triggered of my languish. there's this one song. this one song that i'm still listening to while i'm typing this. it's alana's song entitled, "The Anonymous Ones". i spent almost half of the film sobbing. especially during alana's part in singing this song. i can relate to being that anonymous one, hiding behind all my achievements, because i'm trying to avoid the question, "without it, am i worth anything at all?" i feel like if i won't succeed, i won't be of much worth to anyone else. i know it's absurd to think because i know i'm still worth something regardless of the gold or plaques i receive. but my brain sometimes tricks itself into thinking that i'm just as good as how many titles i get to have attached with my name. which is probably why i never stop doing things that they might catch a trail o...

i've been a fan of the quiet for far too long. though honestly, i love it. it helps me think. it brings me back to serenity and times when my mind isn't in circles. the quiet gives me hope. there are a lot of days that i wished the quiet would go all day long. that no squeak or scream could interrupt. that the world would go on a silent streak. all we would hear are the wonders of nature around us. a silence so deafening that the peace of the birds would beg to be hummed. that the rage of the wind would be subtle knocks on our windows. that every breath a whistle blown from our nose. the swaying of the grass from a field just beyond the stream would patter dew on puddles. i love the quiet. somewhere, a minute walk away, the waves are crashing on a concrete wall. somewhere, an hour away, leaves are falling from a mango tree. somewhere, miles away, i'm hearing your footsteps. hearing the curl of your lips to a smirk. hearing the sound of your doorknob turning as you push the ...

the scariest thing that has ever happened to me was for me to be situated near someone so close yet so dangerous for me. the saddest thing that has ever happened to me was for me to be so far from someone i could have liked to be my home. either way, life is not fair and the thick air of the night is capturing me in its arms. thoughts run steeply 24/7 non-stop. but for the first time in my life, i don't mind. i don't mind having to overthink. i don't mind being unable to follow through. i don't mind taking my time. i don't mind being fragile. the scariest thing about living just a barangay away from someone so dangerous for me is that he strikes when i'm the most anxious, fearful, and sad. the saddest thing about living a thousand miles away from someone i call home is that someday, some time soon, i might change my mind. decide to be somewhere. decide that home is not a person. home won't be with me. home is me. isn't that both sad and  scary? -e.c.

i don't always know what thoughts are rushing in your head. what i do know is that i'm glad i'm part of what you're thinking about. even if it's not all the time. i like that you have your plans set for your family. i like that you're not afraid to tell me that i'm included in those plans. i'm glad that you're not afraid to ask questions. i'm also astounded by the way you make conversation with me. the way you listen. and the way you accept or respect my thoughts. the way you have views and values on your own. i love how firm you are in your beliefs. i admire how you don't talk about things but you practice what you preach. i see how your actions speak louder than your words. i appreciate you for accepting my fangirling side. i am amazed at how in sync our minds are for most of the time. and if they're not, i'm glad it doesn't stop us from talking to each other. i feel so disappointed at myself for not knowing you earlier than i a...

 hey you. i don't know how you did it but you did. you made me feel safe. you made me feel secure. you let me feel my feelings, you heard my story. could it be that there is no wrong timing? you were there, the first to answer, at the time i needed someone. i was truly hoping you'd answer but i didn't expect you to be almost the only one. it was surreal. i was already sobbing when the other two most trusted people i chatted replied. i felt vulnerable but i also felt strong. i knew what i felt. i knew what i needed to do to be able to process those feelings. and i'm so thankful that you're the one i got to call. welcome to my fragile side. you've seen the part of my heart i try so hard to protect. you let me in your part of the story too. but i don't think i handled listening well... did i? i hardly remembered. i just can't seem to wrap my head around someone like you. how can someone like you exist? you're one of the purest human beings i've ever...

 i just want to remind to myself that there really will be one person that won't give up on you no matter what. you're even luckier when you have more than one person making sure you're okay. i've learned this week that relationships do matter. i tried so hard in my past to avoid these attachments. but us as humans, we can't really avoid connecting to one another. back in junior high and senior high, i tried so hard not to get too involved with people. i pushed people away. maybe i was melodramatic. maybe i thought it was "cool". maybe it was my way of coping because i knew that i would leave them soon. but i realized that i can't just run away from intimate relationships, from friendships, from life. i have to start living if i want to stay in this world. that means, i need to acknowledge that i really do need relationships. i just need to choose which ones are worth it. and at this day and age, it's not that hard. i used to have this fear in my h...

i'm trying to keep myself together. i just found out that there are more illnesses and deaths attached to my relationships. there are more people being torn down wound per wound by this pandemic. i can't feel my arms. my body feels weighed down, like how it felt the first time this burden was put upon our shoulders. i was trying to find this song i listened to on repeat last year when i found out that Nanay was positive, up to the time she left. but when i found it, i felt myself relapsing from the grief of last year. i need someone to talk to. but of course, life does not stop when your grief begins. it's been a year. but the wound is reopening. why does this have to happen to innocent lives? why do we have to breakdown for a breakthrough? why do we need to understand that this plan is for us to grow better? why do we have to lose to be able to gain something from what we've come to know? why do we have to ask all these questions and not just move on? why do we have to...

if you were to tell me back in 2017 that minutes away from the resort we were staying at was my soulmate, i would have went and taken a tricycle on the way to their house. i would have liked to meet this person before i actually met  him today. it would be so interesting to see him. even just from afar. i would like to see the person he was before he met me. i would like to tell him that years from that day, we will meet again in a world estranged by a global pandemic. but we'll be okay. and we'll do okay. we'll be just fine. better than fine. we would be so great that the pandemic is not reason enough for us to feel as though we are miles apart. specifically, 4 hours and 23 minutes apart (according to Google). i want to tell him that he shouldn't worry. that his prayers would someday come true. and that his prayers involved me. i would take the opportunity to talk to him for a day... maybe even two. get to know who he is. see his face. be a part of a moment before i be...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote this for my Writing for New Media class but I truly enjoyed discovering this new way of writing I developed over reading AA Patawaran's Write Here, Write Now: Standing Attention Before My Imaginary Style Dictator . Also, I was watching "White Chicks" for the first time and had to stop midway because I had the urge to finally write this.

i've developed this fear since the pandemic started. i don't know if it's reasonable or if i'm the only one that has it. maybe other people have had it even before the pandemic began. or... when i think about it, i probably had it even before the pandemic. if i had a therapist, this would probably be a really interesting session to talk about. i have this fear of having certain dinners as my last with the people i was with at the time. so many people have died in the last year and a half. and i've been left with a culmination of dinner stories. some of which can never happen again because the table will always be two or three seats empty. or maybe a whole table waiting to be filled. there will always be space to fill. but no one will be able to fill the space. i think, i've had this thought before from my first experience with Death. it was 2005, the year Tatay (my grandfather from my father's side) died. i never believed he was really gone until i was the o...

 sometimes, i wish i knew where i was headed. i have to be honest on that about myself because if not, i'll spend my whole life in a lie. thinking i am actually okay with going with the flow. the future is terrifying, i have to admit. so are the cards i've been dealt with to conquer mine. within a year, i've been passed on new dreams. i've let go of things way out of my control. feels like a restart button that i accidentally pressed. i didn't mean to. but there's no undo of a restart button... is there? i spiraled last night. just right after i had a burst of my trauma on the one person that i thought i can actually let in my life again. i feel so sorry they had to carry that weight. but i have to say, they handled it well. even i didn't know how to respond after. i just felt thankful that it didn't move all the way through. sometimes, we just really need that breakdown to get to a breakthrough. but where's my breakthrough? terrifying, isn't it?...

i sincerely don't want to outburst from this situation. even though i technically already did last night. i am so sorry you have to deal with someone as complicated to love as me. i already warned you from the beginning. i didn't think you'd actually try and take the challenge to get to know me. well, this is me. using defense mechanisms. leading myself to believe that i can take on the world alone (and why wouldn't i? i'm amazing and i've been doing fine without anyone taking the lead for me). this type of person that continuously convinces herself that she's better off with platonic relationships instead of intimacies and romance. and yet... still craves and aches to be loved properly without its complications. how can i be loved that way when i have so many reservations taken with me? how can i be loved that way when i still project my trauma to other people? i'm too toxic to be in a committed relationship. i'm easy to love as a friend. i'm di...